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[ static ]

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[ country music plays ]

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>> ♪ my oldest son was born in

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Alabama ♪

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♪ my youngest is, uh, covered in

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Hair ♪

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♪ the middle one says he's a

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Homosexual ♪

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♪ the other sibling's gone I

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Don't know where ♪

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♪ and I don't care ♪

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♪ I just don't care ♪

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>> rusty: my turn.

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>> early: hell no.

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>> rusty: let me drive that

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Thing!

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>> early: do not touch the trim!

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[ crowd cheering ]

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>> the armoire is in the trunk.

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It's delicately enmeshed in the

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Bungee cords.

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Here we go, now!

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Everybody watch out!

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He's gonna need an extra couple

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Sets of hands to get that thing

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On board.

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Now looky there.

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They are moving that thing with

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Pride.

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>> early: damn this

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Rhodes furniture 400!

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Is it too much to ask for just

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One flamin' pileup?!

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>> granny: [ groaning ]

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>> oh, he's gonna scratch that

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Delicate finish --

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>> aah!

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>> early: [ laughs ] Flames!

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Thank you, jesus!

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>> granny: [ cries painfully ]

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>> early: nother soda, granny?

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>> granny: ow!

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>> early: there you go.

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>> rusty: oh, that is gross,

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Granny!

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>> lil: give her a handful of

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These.

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>> rusty: what are them?

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>> lil: I don't know, but she'll

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Need to chase it with

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Oh.

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Break off a little bit of this

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One, too, or else she'll be

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Paranoid as hell.

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That blue one's gonna make her

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Crazy-strong.

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[ inhales deeply ]

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So you better tie her up.

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>> early: ah, she'll be fine.

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Nother soda, granny?

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[ squish! ]

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>> rusty: granny?

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Granny, come on. Wake up, now.

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>> early: let her sleep it off.

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>> rusty: daddy, she ain't

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Breathin' none.

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>> early: god forbid a man gets

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To watch one damn race all the

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Way through just one time in

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His life!

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>> rusty: daddy, I-I think we

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Oughta call that 911.

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>> early: well, go on, then.

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>> rusty: 911!

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Right here!

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911!

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[ echoing ] 911!

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>> early: lil, fetch that

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Respirator.

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[ air hissing ]

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>> rusty: 911!

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[ door closes ]

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I-I called the doctor.

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>> early: what'd they say?

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>> rusty: no response.

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>> early: damn bureaucrats!

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>> ♪ do a little drinkin' ♪

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♪ raise a little hell ♪

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>> early: hello?

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[ sighs ]

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No.

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I said

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Stump."

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>> rusty: is that the doctor?

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>> early: hold on.

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I said "The

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I know you think that's big, but

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Trust me, there's a bigger one

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Comin'.

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Yes, and then the u-ey at the

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Dead leaf.

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Listens here, now.

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That sumbitchin' pizza pie

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Better be hot as hell when it

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Gets here!

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And you best have the free

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Psycho bread what come with it!

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>> rusty: uh, can we call the

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Doctor on that?

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>> early: sorry, son --

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Emergencies only.

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>> rusty: uh, daddy, w-what you

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Doin' with all granny's stuff?

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>> early: we all have our own

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Way of grievin', son.

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[ clang! ]

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I know she'd want it this way.

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>> so, let's see.

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We have...

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Some expired cans of powdered

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Milk.

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>> early: uh-huh.

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Provision for a race war.

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>> burt reynolds centerfold

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Driftwood lacquered clock.

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>> early: the bandit in his

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Prime.

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>> and a burger lord

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Special-edition cock johnson

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Jumbo refill soda mug.

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>> early: bona fide antique.

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Was a set of four, but I broke

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The other three emphasizin' a

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Point to my boy here.

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>> okay.

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I see absolutely nothing of

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Worth here.

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>> early: you a damn fool!

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No wonder this damn show's on

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Public tv!

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Suckin' on the federal teat --

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That's what you doin'!

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This show ain't worth a damn!

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>> wait a minute.

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What are these?

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>> early: them scribblins?

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Please.

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Words ain't never done nothin'

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For nonebody.

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>> sweet praise, this is

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Amazing!

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It appears to be a

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Correspondence between one

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Ruby jean cuyler and confederate

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General robert e. Lee.

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These letters must be worth at

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Least...

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>> dan halen: $300.

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>> early: hold on, now.

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You gonna have to pony up more

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Than that, hoss.

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>> dan halen: all right.

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Um...How about some free

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Dan halen brand owl jerky?

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>> early: done.

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>> and so, my dear ruby jean, it

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Was either the giant panda or

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Me.

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I can assure you that murderin'

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Him was no easy task.

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I would be so honored if you

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Were to sew your wedding gown

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From the enclosed hide.

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[ beep ]

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The beatins we received at the

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Hands of our cruel negro masters

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Are as unjust as they are

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Unjustifiable.

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[ whip cracks ]

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Oh, lord!

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[ whip cracks ]

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Oh!

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[ beep ]

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>> early: mmm.

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That jerky

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>> rusty: gimme some of that.

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Can I have some of that?

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>> early: I'd love to, but this

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Needs to last me.

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[ gulp! Gulp! ]

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>> praise god almighty for

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Sendin' an army of our finest

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Space brothers to help us push

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Back the union devils.

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[ beep ]

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I dined with them in their most

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Wondrous spacecraft.

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You have not lived until you've

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Tried what is called a

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"Hotted dog."

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[ beep ]

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>> early: mass media won't tell

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Ya this.

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That's why you got to look to

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The bloggers.

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>> I was coronated on this day

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As emperor of these

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Confederate states of america.

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[ beep ]

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Now I'm dead.

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[ beep ]

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My dearest ruby jean, I vow to

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Return to you one day and raise

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You from your deathly slumber in

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A lovemaking session the likes

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Of which dougal county has never

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Seen.

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[ sexy music plays ]

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I will cover every square inch

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Of your body in molasses,

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Starting at the tip of your

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Tentacles...

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>> early: okay.

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Let's fast-forward.

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[ tape fast-forwarding ]

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>> ...The torpedo will leave my

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Merrimack...

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>> early: more forward.

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[ tape fast-forwarding ]

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>> ...Then I will bomb your

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Fort sumter...

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>> early: forwarder.

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[ tape fast-forwarding ]

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>> ...Penetrate your defenses...

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>> early: keep goin'.

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[ tape fast-forwarding ]

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>> ...And my bombs will burst in

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Your air...

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>> early: more.

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[ tape fast-forwarding ]

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>> ...Then my south will rise

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Again and again and again...

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>> early: ohhhrrrr...

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[ tape fast-forwarding ]

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More.

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[ fast-forwarding continues ]

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Forwarder, forwarder.

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[ fast-forwarding continues ]

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Keep goin'.

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[ fast-forwarding continues ]

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A'ight.

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>> ...With my tongue.

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[ dixieland music plays ]

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>> dan halen: thank you for

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Visiting the museum of the

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True south.

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To learn more about the exploits

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Of general robert e. Lee and his

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Beloved ruby jean, pay $9 and go

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Through the museum again, but

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This time, concentrate.

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Now proceed to the gift shop and

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Buy worthless trinkets to

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Celebrate your pathetic

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Heritage.

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[ camera clicks ]

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>> both: thank you.

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>> rusty: granny, granny,

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Granny.

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[ camera clicks ]

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Thank you.

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I wish you was still here,

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Granny.

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>> early: she's in a better

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Place now, son.

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Up there...

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By the snack bar.

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>> rusty: wow.

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I wish granny were alive to see

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This.

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>> early: let sleepin' dogs lie,

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Son.

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>> rusty: but, daddy, them

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Letters from that old boy lee,

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Uh, didn't they say he can make

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Love to her and break that coma?

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>> early: let the sleepin' dogs

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Lie, boy.

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>> sheriff: I don't know, early.

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Sounds like a plan to me.

291
00:07:01,009 --> 00:07:02,011
>> early: l-let's let them

292
00:07:02,013 --> 00:07:03,005
Sleepin' dogs lie.

293
00:07:03,007 --> 00:07:04,009
>> sheriff: if we can raise

294
00:07:04,011 --> 00:07:05,019
General lee up from the dead and

295
00:07:05,021 --> 00:07:06,027
Have him make some furious love

296
00:07:06,029 --> 00:07:08,003
To your grandmama, well, that

297
00:07:08,005 --> 00:07:09,010
Might wake her up and get her

298
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,002
Out of the coma.

299
00:07:10,004 --> 00:07:11,012
>> granny: gonna get me some!

300
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:12,017
>> dan halen: he's right.

301
00:07:12,019 --> 00:07:14,001
And we'll put the whole thing on

302
00:07:14,003 --> 00:07:15,027
Pay-per-view.

303
00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:17,009
We'll pull a 3 share!

304
00:07:17,011 --> 00:07:18,025
>> granny: good ol' country

305
00:07:18,027 --> 00:07:20,016
Gravy on my bed.

306
00:07:20,018 --> 00:07:24,011
[ whirring ]

307
00:07:24,013 --> 00:07:25,006
[ camera clicks ]

308
00:07:25,008 --> 00:07:27,003
>> all: thank you.

309
00:07:27,005 --> 00:07:28,006
[ crickets chirping ]

310
00:07:28,008 --> 00:07:30,008
[ wolf howls ]

311
00:07:33,024 --> 00:07:35,011
>> rusty: this thing here says

312
00:07:35,013 --> 00:07:36,013
It's

313
00:07:36,015 --> 00:07:37,023
>> dan halen: ah, irony.

314
00:07:37,025 --> 00:07:38,025
Go ahead, sheriff.

315
00:07:38,027 --> 00:07:40,017
Conjure the spirit.

316
00:07:43,007 --> 00:07:44,015
>> sheriff: "I'd like to thank

317
00:07:44,017 --> 00:07:44,028
Denise.

318
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,007
Your love allowed me to write

319
00:07:46,009 --> 00:07:46,025
This book."

320
00:07:46,027 --> 00:07:47,024
>> dan halen: no, no.

321
00:07:47,026 --> 00:07:49,027
Not the acknowledgements.

322
00:07:52,025 --> 00:07:54,006
>> sheriff: "So you want to

323
00:07:54,008 --> 00:07:55,015
Learn to raise the dead.

324
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:57,004
Resurrecting can be an enjoyable

325
00:07:57,006 --> 00:07:58,005
And fulfilling --"

326
00:07:58,007 --> 00:07:59,018
>> dan halen: no, no.

327
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,011
It's on -- it's on page 42.

328
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,012
Look to the -- I marked it there

329
00:08:03,014 --> 00:08:06,011
In goat's blood.

330
00:08:06,013 --> 00:08:08,015
>> sheriff: [ clears throat ]

331
00:08:08,017 --> 00:08:11,026
Abblo mandoligivus pronectus

332
00:08:11,028 --> 00:08:14,024
Bittaposton frontnescno.

333
00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:18,007
Tronckestus monitero pontellus

334
00:08:18,009 --> 00:08:20,017
Pontellus arashana.

335
00:08:20,019 --> 00:08:23,018
Disco donafecta clawteva

336
00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:24,028
Floroto.

337
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,006
Rise up and make furious love to

338
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,004
The sagging, bedsore-ridden,

339
00:08:31,006 --> 00:08:34,001
Stinky, varicose-vein-laden,

340
00:08:34,003 --> 00:08:35,009
Mole-encrusted --

341
00:08:35,011 --> 00:08:37,004
>> early: I see you hidin' down

342
00:08:37,006 --> 00:08:37,020
There!

343
00:08:37,022 --> 00:08:38,022
Get on out here!

344
00:08:38,024 --> 00:08:40,000
>> aha!

345
00:08:40,002 --> 00:08:41,001
All right, then.

346
00:08:41,003 --> 00:08:42,018
Howdy, y'all, and all that

347
00:08:42,020 --> 00:08:43,004
There.

348
00:08:43,006 --> 00:08:44,004
>> early: come on, now.

349
00:08:44,006 --> 00:08:45,012
You cornhole my grandmama over

350
00:08:45,014 --> 00:08:45,024
There.

351
00:08:45,026 --> 00:08:47,013
[ flies buzzing ]

352
00:08:47,015 --> 00:08:48,029
>> uh, about that -- yeah...

353
00:08:49,001 --> 00:08:51,013
Uh, I grievously regret...

354
00:08:51,015 --> 00:08:54,012
I'm not yet ready to date again.

355
00:08:54,014 --> 00:08:56,007
I would not, uh, be good for

356
00:08:56,009 --> 00:08:57,013
Anyone right now.

357
00:08:57,015 --> 00:08:59,010
It's -- it's -- it's not

358
00:08:59,012 --> 00:09:00,006
It's -- it's

359
00:09:00,008 --> 00:09:01,020
>> rusty: hey, man, but this is

360
00:09:01,022 --> 00:09:04,010
Your long-lost love, ruby jean.

361
00:09:04,012 --> 00:09:06,019
>> uh, that there is a woman

362
00:09:06,021 --> 00:09:07,023
Here, uh, yes?

363
00:09:07,025 --> 00:09:08,022
>> rusty: you know what?

364
00:09:08,024 --> 00:09:10,000
I really never thought about it.

365
00:09:10,002 --> 00:09:11,007
>> early: we'll tell him what he

366
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,012
Wants to hear.

367
00:09:12,014 --> 00:09:14,008
Shh. Shh, shh.

368
00:09:14,010 --> 00:09:16,007
Uh...Yeah, if you say so.

369
00:09:16,009 --> 00:09:18,009
>> son, I've notched many a

370
00:09:18,011 --> 00:09:20,019
Yellow sashful in tally of the

371
00:09:20,021 --> 00:09:23,001
Fine southern tail I have tagged

372
00:09:23,003 --> 00:09:24,002
And bagged.

373
00:09:24,004 --> 00:09:26,027
However, I nary recall a

374
00:09:26,029 --> 00:09:27,014
Ruby jean.

375
00:09:27,016 --> 00:09:28,022
>> rusty: well, maybe if you

376
00:09:28,024 --> 00:09:29,029
Just take a closer look over

377
00:09:30,001 --> 00:09:31,020
Her, you'll remember all -- all

378
00:09:31,022 --> 00:09:33,007
That love you shared and the

379
00:09:33,009 --> 00:09:34,028
Chemistry and the -- the lovin'

380
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,004
Bond and everything.

381
00:09:36,006 --> 00:09:37,023
>> I think I would recall

382
00:09:37,025 --> 00:09:39,012
Sheathing my saber into a

383
00:09:39,014 --> 00:09:41,007
Land-dwelling cephalopod such

384
00:09:41,009 --> 00:09:43,000
As...

385
00:09:43,002 --> 00:09:44,001
Is that what that is?

386
00:09:44,003 --> 00:09:45,012
>> dan halen: so, what you're

387
00:09:45,014 --> 00:09:46,020
Saying, then, is that these

388
00:09:46,022 --> 00:09:47,022
Letters are forgeries!

389
00:09:47,024 --> 00:09:49,013
>> granny: [ chuckles ]

390
00:09:49,015 --> 00:09:51,021
>> later days.

391
00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:56,014
>> dan halen: I should have put

392
00:09:56,016 --> 00:09:57,010
It together.

393
00:09:57,012 --> 00:09:58,023
The copious references to

394
00:09:58,025 --> 00:10:00,009
"Nature boy" ric flair and

395
00:10:00,011 --> 00:10:01,027
Former black crowes bassist

396
00:10:01,029 --> 00:10:03,004
Johnny colt.

397
00:10:03,006 --> 00:10:04,021
Hell, halen, they're written on

398
00:10:04,023 --> 00:10:05,022
Waffle bar napkins.

399
00:10:05,024 --> 00:10:07,029
Where was my analytical mind!

400
00:10:08,001 --> 00:10:09,005
>> rusty: so, granny was fakin'

401
00:10:09,007 --> 00:10:09,025
The whole time?

402
00:10:09,027 --> 00:10:11,001
>> early: you know how it is --

403
00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:12,008
Somebody gotta get 'em some on a

404
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:13,003
Saturday night.

405
00:10:13,005 --> 00:10:14,010
>> rusty: you reckon we oughta

406
00:10:14,012 --> 00:10:15,002
Tell the sheriff?

407
00:10:15,004 --> 00:10:15,022
>> early: nope.

408
00:10:15,024 --> 00:10:16,027
What's that sumbitch ever done

409
00:10:16,029 --> 00:10:17,021
For

410
00:10:17,023 --> 00:10:19,026
>> granny: you have to leave?

411
00:10:19,028 --> 00:10:20,027
>> sheriff: uh...Well, I --

412
00:10:20,029 --> 00:10:22,003
>> granny: what do you got goin'

413
00:10:22,005 --> 00:10:22,020
On tuesday?

414
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,001
>> sheriff: you know, I'm -- I'm

415
00:10:24,003 --> 00:10:24,018
Probably --

416
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,026
>> granny: I'll bring you some

417
00:10:25,028 --> 00:10:27,000
Lunch down to the station.

418
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:28,006
>> sheriff: but I've already

419
00:10:28,008 --> 00:10:29,011
Made my sandwich -- for the

420
00:10:29,013 --> 00:10:30,022
Week.

421
00:10:30,024 --> 00:10:32,015
[ crack! Crack! ]

422
00:10:32,017 --> 00:10:33,028
Yeah.

423
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,021
But I-I've had a really great

424
00:10:35,023 --> 00:10:36,012
Time.

425
00:10:36,014 --> 00:10:37,023
>> granny: maybe we should

426
00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:38,022
Exchange numbers.

427
00:10:38,024 --> 00:10:41,005
>> sheriff: yeah, uh, maybe so.

428
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:43,014
>> granny: wait.

429
00:10:43,016 --> 00:10:44,002
[ poink! ]

430
00:10:44,004 --> 00:10:45,013
To remember me by.

431
00:10:45,015 --> 00:10:47,011
>> sheriff: yeah, uh, okay.

432
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:49,003
Thank you.

433
00:10:50,027 --> 00:10:53,008
[ engine turns over ]

434
00:10:53,010 --> 00:10:54,011
[ tires screech ]

435
00:10:54,013 --> 00:10:55,015
[ siren wails ]

436
00:10:55,017 --> 00:10:56,027
>> granny: [ laughs ]

437
00:10:56,029 --> 00:10:58,024
Booty call!